Random Quote #34 topic: evilplan

I once was covering the triage desk at the hospital that I worked for, when
a male in his early thirties brought a sign-in sheet to me and asked to be
seen in the emergency department. When I asked what brought him to the
hospital, he glanced around to make sure no one was within earshot, then said
"I have a vibrator up my ass." To his credit, he said it with a matter-of-
factness that I would not have, given me being in the same situation. So, I
asked him a few pertinent questions, took his vitals signs, and sent him into
the emergency dept. Like a good health-care provider, I made sure to quote
the patient _accurately_ when I wrote down his chief complaint. So, I wrote:
"patient states 'I have a vibrator up my ass.'" In the box marked "mechanism
of injury" I wrote "vibrator." There's a front and back picture of a human
on these sign-in sheets, and they encourage you to "circle" the injured parts
so I circled the picture of the "rear" and placed an "x" over the perianal
area. Then I brought in the chart to the charge nurse - who had just seen the
patient when he entered. All she got from him as a complaint was "rectal
pain" which left me to explain the particulars. Her eyes got bigger and
bigger... Seems the patient had inserted the 8-10 inch vibrator too far up,
and had lost his grip on it. After trying several times to remove it himself,
he finally gave up and signed-in.

The doctor ordered x-rays. When they were developed, a small crowd gathered
around the reading lights. An oblong, opaque object containing what appeared
to be two "C"-cell batteries was nestled in this man's pelvic girdle. My
partner then noticed something:"Doc, the pelvis shows up nice and sharp in
this x-ray, but the vibrator's outline is kinda fuzzy - why is that?"
The doctor (sick man that he is) grinned ear-to-ear, and said "That's because
the thing's still on.." Collective gasp from the nurses, cut to: me trying to
convince the x-ray tech to make me a copy "look this would be an important
training x-ray." "Tae, the bidding begins at one-hundred dollars..." Damn.
-From "The Era of Big Numbers" by Lee K. Abbott


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