Random Quote #46 topic: miscellaneous, It has everything that doesn't fit in other categories.

Half a year ago a customer sent in a message saying that he wanted another email
address, and he wanted to know how much it would cost. I replied that customers
were allowed up to five for no added charge. All I needed was a name and a
password for each account.
I have changed the names in the following exchange to protect the idiotic.
Oh, then I would like Jane Doe for my wife, John Doe for my son, Jennifer
Doe for my daughter. I'll ask them what passwords they want and send you
another message.
I'm sorry, in my earlier email I was not very clear. I apologize for any
confusion. I will try to be very clear in this message so that there will
not be any problems, but if you do have any, you can always call.
All email addresses must be between four and twenty characters. A character
is any lower case letter, number, the dash or -, and the underscore or _.
You CANNOT use any spaces or other special characters. The same rules apply
for your password. Here are some examples to help you in your selection.
The usernames of: Jane Doe, John Doe, Jane_Doe, and John_Doe are NOT usable
because of the capital letters and the spaces.
These would be fine: janedoe, johndoe, jenniferdoe
Or you could use: jane_doe, john_doe, jennifer_doe
If you wanted something shorter, you would need to use middle initials since
your first initials all start with the same letter. For example, if your
son's middle initial was "p" you could use: jpdoe
Their first names would normally be another good alternative, but someone
else already has "john". So you could use "jane" and "jennifer" but NOT
"john". "johnny" has also been used, but "jonathan" has not.
Do you have any further questions? If this is not clear to you, you can call
during office hours and ask for me, or call after hours and get whoever is
on 24 hour tech support.
I think I have it now. How about this:
jane, with the password of as4you*
bunny, with the password of ^to^
johnny, with the password of astronaut!
Are those okay?
As I said in my last message, there are no special characters allowed, so
the passwords given are not usable. Just so we are clear, when I say special
characters, I mean ~!@#$^&*()+=`[]{};:'",.<>/ and ?. NONE of these can be
in the username OR password.
Also, you can not use "johnny" because someone already has it.
If you can get me usable passwords for "jane" and "bunny" I will put them in
the system immediately. Then we will only have to worry about your son.
Oh. Now I get it. Then I want to use these:
jane doe with the password of supermom
kitten with the password of kitten, unless they can't be the same, then I'll
use daughter starranger with the password of blaster
Can you tell me how to set those up?
I put "starranger" in the system with the password you listed. The
instructions on this page are how to set up the extra email accounts on your
computer: (url)
If you have ANY trouble with this, or if ANY error occurs, call out help
line. The number is xxx-xxxx. All of us can help you with setting up these
email addresses. Just print out this message and have it with you when you
call. This is a 24 hour tech support line. In fact, I suggest you call and
let us lead you through it step by step over the phone. It will be much
The bad news is there is still a problem with the other two addresses.
"kitten" is being used by someone else already, and I can not put in "jane
doe" because of the space.
In case you still wanted them, I did put in "jane" with the password of
"supermom" and "bunny" with the password of "daughter". Are those okay?
I don't know what is happening! I set up johnny, with the password of
astronaut, just like the instructions said, and it always gives me an error
saying that the password is bad! What is wrong!
I don't want to try and set up kitten and jane till you tell me what is
Sir, as I stated in my earlier email, johnny is not available.
Why don't you call the 24 hour tech support line so we can work this out
faster than through email? Believe me, it will be easier.
I don't get home till you are closing! There won't be anyone in the office!
I WANT to do this over the phone but CAN'T because you close so early!
Sir, as said many times before, this is a 24 hour help line. Even though we
are only in the office from 9am to 6pm, the help line pages us. In fact,
this week is my rotation with the pager so any time from now till Sunday you
can speak with me. This will be to your advantage since I'm familiar with
the situation.
Customer: (sent to my boss, then forwarded to me)
I have sent several email messages to your tech support and received NO
All I want is a few additional email addresses, and I learned from your site
that I can get four more for free. But when I send email to the technical
address, I get no answers.
Can you help me?
Me: (to my boss)
He is lying through his teeth. Here are his letters and my replies.
(I included the emails here)
My Boss:
Okay. I'll call him.
That was the end of the email exchange for a while. My boss called the man and
asked him if he had ever gotten any replies from the tech mail address. The
customer denied that he had. So my boss read him one of my replies and asked if
the customer had gotten it. He denied that he had, so my boss read him his next
email and asked why he was replying to mail he never got.
The man then broke down and explained that he was:
Confused by my telling him that some names were not available.
Could not call the tech support line since it was only open on the weekdays
during office hours.
Found the instructions on our site too confusing.
My boss then spent over three hours on the phone leading the man through setting
up the other email accounts.
The next day the man called tech support to complain that he had changed the
mail accounts to "johnny", "jane doe", and "kitty" and that they had stopped
working, so he was going to call on the weekend to have us help him again. He
never called back about the email.
Three months later, his computer broke down, and he brought it to the shop. I
worked on the machine. He had "uninstalled" some software by deleting the
directories and then wondered why the computer would not boot up. He remembered
seeing many of the programs putting things into the "windows" directory, so he
had deleted as much of that as he could.
Miraculously, re-installing Windows fixed his machine. When he came in to pick
up the machine, I asked about the other email addresses. He said they were too
much trouble for him, and that he just started using hotmail instead. I told him
that that was probably a better choice for him.
But it gets better.
Throughout the next five months, we had no less than two calls a month from this
man. His settings, including the DNS numbers, email addresses, home page, and so
on, would mysteriously change. He blamed viruses, his kids, the weather, and
everything but than himself.
One day he called to cancel. He explained that his son was moving away to
college and would have access there, and so since his Internet access had only
been for his son, he would no longer need it.
We threw a small office party after he hung up. We shredded his account on the
server and sighed a great sigh of relief. Three days later he came in with a
laptop. He wanted his account back.
Apparently he had terminated his account because his son was taking the computer
with him to college. But this guy's job, "a sensitive job with the federal
government," required him to have Internet access from home, and apparently it
had been this way all along. His boss had apparently asked him what was going on
when email to him suddenly started bouncing. So he was supplied him with a
laptop so he could continue working at home.
We set up the laptop for his account, and he took it and went home. Less than an
hour later, he called. He had changed his access phone number, his primary DNS
number, his WINS numbers (which we don't even use), his password, his email
server names, and his email address, and had put a password on the laptop that
he did not remember.
We fixed it over the phone. The whole time he denied having changed anything but
admitted to "checking on the settings." It took over two hours.
We are hoping for an act of nature, or that he will get fired and they will take
back the laptop.


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