Is it possible to kill a vampire with a gun?
Vampires are a source of great irritation to the average homeowner and it is
usually to one's advantage to remove these pests as rapidly as possible. If
a professional exterminater specializing in the undead is unavailable, it is
possible to handle the situation with common household items. However, much
of the common folklore of vanquishing the undead needs clarifying. First,
driving a sharpened Louisville Slugger through a vampire's heart will NOT kill
it. Since it's not quite alive, why would the heart be any different than
puncturing it in the, for example, left buttock? Stake driving should be
avoided at any cost since its effect will be to terribly annoy the vampire,
and the last thing you want on your hands is an irate Lord of Darkness.
Handguns are also a definite no-no. Common sense indicates that it requires
more to defeat an incarnation of evil than hurling lumps of lead or silver
through its body. One time-honored method is to expose the vampire to the
sun, sever its head (any power saw should be sufficient), fill its mouth with
holy wafers (vanilla wafers over which the Lord's prayer has been read will
do in a pinch), immerse the head in an urn filled with holy water, place the
urn in consecrated lands and bury the rest of the body underneath a crossroad
(i.e. the intersection of Broad & Chestnut). Sure, it's a lot of work. But
you'll never have to worry about those damn bats pestering the neighbors again.