THE TEN STAGES OF INTOXICATION
(1) WITTY AND CHARMING: This is after one or two drinks. The tongue
is loosened and can yet remain in step with the brain. In the
"witty and charming" state, one is likely to use foreign idioms
and phrases such as "au contraire" in place of "Now way, Jose,"
(2) RICH AND POWERFUL: By the third drink, you begin mentioning the
little 380 SL you've had your eye on down at the Mercedes place.
(3) BENEVOLENT: You'll buy her a Mercedes, too. It's only money.
(4) JUST ONE MORE AND THEN WE'LL EAT: Stall tactic.
(5) TO HELL WITH DINNER: Just one more and then we'll eat.
(6) PATRIOTIC: The war stories begin.
(7) CRANK UP THE "ENOLA GAY": "We could have won in Nam, but..."
(8) INVISIBLE: So this is what the Ladies' Room looks like.
(9) WITTY AND CHARMING PART II: You know, you don't sweat much for
a fat girl.
(10) BULLETPROOF: Bull-sheyet, gimme them keys, I can drive.
- -- Lewis Grizzard, "My Daddy Was a Pistol and I'm a Son
of a Gun".